Big Sur

 

– You got me all wrong.
I wouldn’t be any good for you.

– I know that now.
You’re just tired of life, and you want to sleep, and in a way, that’s what i want to do, too.
Only i’ve got Elliot to worry about.
Could take both our lives and solve that.

– You, creepy talk.

– You told me the first night you loved me, that i was the most interesting, that you hadn’t met anyone you liked so much, and then you just went on drinking.
I really can see now what they say about you is true.
You keep groaning about how sick you are, and you really don’t think about others enough, and i know you can’t help it, but you are really ratty sometimes.
But even that, i know you can’t help. Why can’t you follow through with what your heart knows is good and best and true ?
You give up so easy to discouragement.
And i guess, too, you don’t really want me.
You want to go home and resume your own life with Louise.

– No, i couldn’t with her either, i’m just bound up inside like constipation ! I can’t move emotionally, like you’d say emotionally as though that were something big, grand, magic mystery !
Everybody’s saying “Oh, how wonderful life is ! How miraculous ! God’s made this, and God made that !” how do you know he doesn’t hate what he did ? He might even be drunk and not noticing what he went and done ! Though, of course, that’s not true.

– Maybe God is dead.

– No. God can’t be dead, because he’s the unborn !

– You have all these philosophies and sutras you keep talking about.

– But don’t you see ?
They’ve all become empty words !
I realize i’ve been playing like a happy child all my life with words, words, words in a big, serious tragedy !
Look around !

 

 

( Jack Kerouac, 1962 )

 

 

 

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